Contexts and Assholes: The Paradoxes of Porterism …

Contexts and Assholes: The Paradoxes of Porterism

When someone asks me if I really believe that chainsaw fights will aid in saving humanity, I tell them that yes, it is something that I truly believe. When people question my sanity, I question theirs. What is the difference, I ask them, between pitting people against each other with chainsaws, then say, driving pollution-spewing vehicles that run on a dwindling supply of fossil fuels that are the basis of a major war halfway around the world? One of those scenarios, they reply, have a practical purpose. Vehicles transport people and goods around. Chainsaw fights have no practical purpose other than entertainment.

But, I reply, if the end result for the first scenario is global warming, unbreathable air, worldwide economic collapse, famine, disease and war, how is my vision of the world any more vitriolic? If you divorce yourself from the planet entirely and look at things objectively, how sound is the course we are currently following? All I am saying that there is no difference between my vision of the world that I am open and honest about, and the current course of human events that most people simply choose not to see.

I truly want to save humanity, since I am human and all, and I think the best place to start with that is to be open and honest when it comes to our most basest of desires. Chainsaw fights are horrific. But they are something that people would watch. Why would I want to showcase them? Because it is an extreme way of showing ourselves what we do to each other already, if not in the actual physical sense, then in spirit. What is the difference between hacking someone to death with a chainsaw and rendering his environment uninhabitable with our behaviour? In the long run, nothing. The fellow is just as dead as he would have been by plunging a chainsaw blade into his neck. The only difference is that the other way is bloodless and distant, and therefore, more dishonest.

People often ask me what I hope to achieve with Porterism. The answer is I don’t know really. But if I had to give an answer, it is just to get people to see both the larger picture and the details of life. I’m not all hung up on rules. It pained me to write the three laws of Porterism. In the human being exists both the killer and the healer. Instead of denying one and embracing the other, I think it is time to figure out how to use both to our best advantage. When I am asked what is a Porterist, I have to answer is being a Porterist is working with everything that makes you who you are. It is a process that I am working on, and I think ultimately everyone is, but we constantly lose sight of ourselves and our place in the world. One of the methods is exaggerated humour. Other times I am more objective and analytical.

I love it when people preach to me. They talk about Jesus or Save the Whales or hundreds of other things. I smirk a little and tell them that merely existing oppresses many other people and unless we are ready to abandon progress and return to nature’s womb we are a species of users. But it is not the manifest destiny of mankind to return to nature (at least not by conscious choice). Mankind is blessed/cursed to walk the perilous lip between enlightenment and doom. It is doubtful that mankind will succumb to either fate, but will keep plodding along staying one step ahead of doom and one step behind enlightenment. I could even argue that enlightenment would only result in our doom anyway, since I believe that mankind’s ultimate purpose is in the actual solving of the problem, not in the solved problem itself.

Ah, what a cursed fate for our species.

Porterism Law #3 There aren’t a lot of laws to Po…

Porterism Law #3

There aren’t a lot of laws to Porterism for a couple of reasons, first of all because I don’t think that a lot of things don’t need to be said. If you need to be told not to kill, then I don’t think that anything that I’m going to say is going to change your mind. Besides, there are times when you have to kill, either for self-defense, or defense of your ideals (when you go to war, for example), or sometimes even for fun. Hell, if you can’t kill someone now and again for kicks, life ain’t worth living, that’s what I say. But if you take down nothing else from what I have been talking about for so long, then take down this.

NO FUNDAMENTALISM!

Fundamentalism is repugnant, and completely without logic. If I tell you that everything I say is the do-or-die truth, then it stands to reason that I don’t have to tell you anything, since it is already a self-evident truth. In other words, why do I have to convince you of anything if I am right about anything? Why would I give a shit? I think you all know me well enough by now that I don’t.

I am confident that I have some good and valid arguments about some of the things I write about, even some of the more obviously outrageous things. For example, when I say that setting someone on fire and killing him is better than setting him on fire and letting him live, I mean that. Some people might say that it is best not to set him on fire at all, but I probably didn’t hear that; I was too busy looking for matches. Besides, how do you know that not setting a man on fire (or stabbing him in the balls or throwing him off a cliff) is the “best” scenario? You don’t. You just assume that harmony and non-violence is the best policy without any evidence to back it up. I’m not condoning violence. I’m just saying that violence is always an option.

Is this the best thing for this guy? Who knows?

But getting back to the fundamentalism thing. Fundamentalists never fail in one key thing: making themselves look stupid. When the fundamentalists proclaimed the Earth flat look what happened. When the fundamentalists claimed the sun revolved around the Earth, look what happened. Now when the fundamentalists claim that we didn’t descend from cavemen, what are we supposed to say? Now I know we were wrong about the Earth and all that, but I swear absolutely this time we got it right. Bullshit. Nobody has it right. Not you, not me, not anyone. Nor should we always have it right. If we knew everything, our humanity would cease. Chasing down mysteries is what makes us who we are. If I think that I have all the answers and I exist just to regurgitate them to you, trust me, I wouldn’t be writing this blog to a few of my co-workers and some rednecks in North Carolina. I’d be hanging from the business end of a noose.

Never assume that I’m right. Just accept that I’m interesting.

Porterism Law #2 I make most of my keenest observ…

Porterism Law #2

I make most of my keenest observations when I am out and about amongst people, because you can say anything you want about the average person, but you can’t learn a lot from them until you watch them in action.

A couple of weeks ago I was at the bus stop, waiting for my bus and sipping on a cup of coffee from the tobacconist shop inside the mall. I go there because the husband and wife behind the counter are very friendly, the coffee is good and I don’t have to wait in line like I would if I went across the street to Tim Horton’s.

So I’m sitting there with my coffee, minding my own business when this woman comes up to me and says “I’m here to give you shit!”

“Huh?” was the most intelligent reply I could muster.

“I saw you with a cup of coffee and I don’t have enough for one. How can you drink that shit? I only drink Tim’s coffee.”

I look at my cup and shrug. “Tastes all right to me.”

“Well, I only drink Tim’s coffee… they’re a Canadian company and I support Canadian companies.”

“No they’re not.”

“What?”

“Tim Horton’s is not a Canadian company. They’re owned by Wendy’s, which is an American company.”

She gave me a look as if I had just slapped her in the face. “No it’s not!”

“Actually,” a third woman who joined the conversation added, “I’m afraid he’s right. Tim Horton’s is owned by an American company.”

She stormed off. Was she pissed!

And I know why she was pissed. She believed in the multi-million dollar advertising campaign that brands Tim Horton’s as an icon of Canadiana. And not just her. Many people do. Tim’s is something we all grew up with, and we identify it within ourselves. When the Bank of Canada issued the Remembrance Day quarter, it wasn’t banks that were charged with issuing the coin to the general public. It was Tim Horton’s, because Tim’s presence was many times that of any bank. It was Tim Horton’s that opened a location at the Canadian Forces Base in Khandahar in Afghanistan. But the Tim Horton’s of today hardly resembles the Tim Horton’s of twenty years ago. The difference here is that Tim’s is an American company branding itself Canadian. And just about everyone swallows it.

As a Porterist you will not believe everything that you read, even if I write it. You will QUESTION EVERYTHING.

As an aside to the usual fare, I am now officially ordained as a clergy member in the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Among other things, I am authorized by the Church to perform marriages, funerals and other religious services. If anyone would like to be married or have their funeral services performed in the Porterist manner, please contact me for details. Restrictions apply, and my services may not be available in all areas.

This notice hereby confirms that:

XXX Porter
XXX XXXXX XXX Ave.
XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX
Canada

is an ordained member of the clergy of The Church of Spiritual Humanism

Date of Ordination: July 24, 2006
Ordained by R. A. Zorger, President
http://www.SpiritualHumanism.org

The Church of Spiritual Humanism is happy to inform you that your ordination request has been reviewed and approved, and you are now an officially ordained clergy member. You are now entitled to all privileges and courtesies normally offered to ordained members of the clergy. The record of your ordination has been entered into the official permanent records of the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Ordinations by the Church of Spiritual Humanism are for life, and are awarded completely free and without monetary charge. Please print or otherwise preserve this notice for your records. As an ordained member of the clergy, you are hereby authorized by the CSH to officiate religious rites and ceremonies, including marriage, baby naming, funeral services, invocations, and holiday ceremonies, as permitted and subject to the laws and regulations of your country, state, and municipality. It is important that before you officiate any civil ceremony (such as marriages), you know and comply with all laws governing your locality. The Church of Spiritual Humanism promotes religion based on reason. As a member of the CSH clergy it is your charge to strive to base your actions on, and influence others to be motivated by, deliberation and reason and not the irrational, emotional, or subjective. Furthermore your responsibilities are to peacefully follow the proper course of action, and to avoid infringing on the rights of others. You alone are responsible for your actions as a member of the clergy.

Thanks for helping make the world a better place,

R. A. Zorger,
President Church of Spiritual Humanism