Clarifying Chainsaw Fights: An Appendix It seem…

Clarifying Chainsaw Fights: An Appendix


It seems that my last article generating some inquiries about the mechanics of my proposal to make chainsaw fighting a national sport. In short, they felt that some decisions need to be made in regards to what type of chainsaws can be used, how many can be used, and so forth. Here I intend to make some clarification of the rules.

Richard, (or BDR to some of his friends, which is short for Big Dick Rick. How he got that nickname is unclear to me, but I have heard he sports one of the biggest penises in the world. I can neither confirm or deny this, although the women in the French quarter have taken to nicknaming him “the baguette”. That, and he nods in a knowing, self-satisfying way whenever his dick is brought up in casual conversation, which is surprisingly often. That kind of confidence can only be achieved in a grotesquely long meat stick.) had asked: Can I have two smaller chainsaws rather than one long one?

I’ve thought about this, and I really don’t have a problem with that, so yes. Watching a guy fight with two chainsaws, although it would take a fair amount of practice, would rock.

Can pole saws be used?

In case you don’t know what a pole saw is, it is a chainsaw attached to a long (8 ft or so) pole for a person to trim branches etc. Whether or not they can be used, I would say yes. Anyone stupid enough to bring one of these to a chainsaw fight, however, deserves to die. It is hard to wield effectively, and can be easily parried by a regular chainsaw, or a person can simply maneuver around the sweeping arc one would be forced to make with it. For entertainment value, we could have a few exhibition matches with pole saws, but I think that as a weapon for mortal combat, it is a little too impractical.

Is there a way to avoid the national draft to choose people for the matches?

As I have already said, anyone who is free of any major disability. I class a major disability as someone who is rendered incapable of free movement (ie: people in wheelchairs, prosthetic limbs, cerebral palsy, some types of respiratory illness) that would impede their ability to attack and defend effectively, or the severely mentally handicapped who would not understand what it was they were getting into. Other than that, no.

How often would there be fights?

Three fights once a week, under the three different formats discussed in the last article.

How much would fighters be paid?

I haven’t really thought about it, since I would think that winning your life would be sufficient payment. But in reality, lots of people who will die will leave families, so they should be fairly compensated. Winners should get something, if for no other reason, to encourage them to keep fighting.

What about other tools or implements?

What about them? The sky’s the limit! Use your imagination!

Any additional questions or suggestions are of course warmly welcome. I will print updates in future articles.

~ by porterism on July 6, 2006.